An Excellent Cancer Blog

My comment:

This is a new world for me.  I am a 58 year old person, so, the jobs held by people or the networking sites &etc are superficially different.  I was 25 in 1977. 

There are two underlying themes in John Hall’s work, that is, in the written material he has left behind.  One is the heartbreak from his tender age, the other is the (meaning of the word abstraction) way the material is consistently framed in life.  The language is put to us as if he expects to live.

While admirable, if I were he, I would say to people that should they be reading this after I am dead, I still have more to say.  I would speak from beyond the grave, yes.

I have had melanoma for six months.  There are numerous parallels between my case and John’s.  For example, we lived in SoCal.  There must be such parallels because without an exact match in the search terms, I never would have found his blog.  How about that concept?  The search is still in the window: scattered lung nodules in stage iv melanoma.

I admit that every day I answer the question “How are you?” with the word, “Fine.”  How many times and how many ways can you select “dying”?  This qualifies as dying.  I am not carrying respect.  I am a repository of disrespect.  When someone lies to me, I want to slap some sense into them.  Do not fail to recognize my credibility if you are going to aim for something like social superiority.  We set the bar high for enjoyment of life while a person is young; us, not you.

I am wrapping up my affairs and the time line alone for John’s disease is golden and an invaluable resource for me.  I need enough time to get the paperwork for a pension submitted so my wife and child will not lose this additional money.  I’m a procrastinator.  Whether you smile or frown does not affect what happens to you one whit.  The blog wording in the light of the outcome shows that.  I am following every twist and turn of John’s experience.  I have to get used to the fact everyone with Stage IV is dead or about to be dead, and fear not that evidence to the contrary abounds.  I’ll get to those who deny it.  Actions speak louder than words.

Here’s a verse, but the whole song expresses our attitude succinctly:

Do you take me for such a fool
To think I’d make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don’t know to begin with

You do not know to begin with.  I knew to begin with, so, when I looked up John’s blog and located the matching terms, I did not get my feelings hurt.  It is the morning, and I don’t have that many to see one ruined.  I went to see my doctor, and he put his head down and handed me the radiologist’s report.  Too much was going on for me to read it there.  I am not going to insanely read and take up the time I peg at $500 per hour, plus, he has many patients.  The more time he has, the more lives he will save.  But, he had been using a lung tumor to illustrate.  The word, “scattered” was in the report, and that means many, not one.  While I had been wanting the single nodule removed, I see now they’re everywhere.  Until I read, I thought the lack of progession of this tumor meant that there was no hurry to remove it.  The situation is in contrast to that wish, and as I continued to read John’s hopes for survival it dawned on me the seriousness.

I have to thank somebody, so, thanks.  It’s some angry Frenchman.  The blog was technically adept and very elegant.  I esp. loved the use of extra activities with the flying and the parachuting, and the gun which I took as a nod to the temptation to just not exist and I mean now.

SEB

The blogMelanoma in Wikipedia, John Hall’s home page, and AF who is living and knew John Hall.

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This is not going to work.

Stephane is a living person who was a friend of a talented person who died.  So, before I log out on it, I am leaving messages.  It won’t work because of a severe time lag, meaning, he doesn’t read this every day.  I might have to go to Live Journal.

The only way I can know about this generation is by consulting oracles such as Encyclopedia Dramatica, which BTW carry severe psych trauma against those who casually browse.

If he’s on LJ, his antivirus software must be very up to date.

Why’d I want to do that?  Well, I was alive when Hall reached me, and, if they are alive I want to tell them what’s what; all about it.  It’s where when you Google, you get this, you get that.  People post and disappear, sometimes by dying.  There’s no mechanism for posting posthumously.  They have to have a conspiracy.

Murdered people still don’t disappear off the internet.  They disappear off the cellular telephone.  This book: 365.641 CLARKE, now, that’s going to be hard to argue for closing the prisons and freeing the prisoners; it’s called, Last Rampage.  We should switch to tumors, so that you may dispasionately deal with dead and live “cells”, and in this tumor the CT resolution showed this borderline.  The actual physical reality only has a passing resemblance to the world as we know it.  Geometry is screwed, time has no structure, the very small rules chance.  As quantum mechanics shows us, you have to load in the variables and turn the crank and not try to make reality fit your picture.  What I am saying is that on the internet, the dead and the living look the same.

The tumor had an ugly stain within it of live, aggressive cells, a splash of flood across the landscape.  I was sick, like John, and nobody told him this word, cachexia, so, it is not the nausea, and the appetite and the fatigue, it is the cachexia, and you can die from it (not you, please).  After radiation, I have a tumor which is like a hardball in a sack, with a necrotic center and a live outside.  Let’s change back to ppl.  The living surround the dead.  Let’s turn to Christianty: the dead surround the living.  Where do you think John Hall is?  I am telling you, this is not geometry, it’s topology.  If it has a hole, it’s like everything with a hole.

Man, with death, you could have a point of view be real; it could be a point with clones, making a distributed point of view.  It could be a point which does not exist in space.  A space can be something with two neighbors in line world.  We want to break through and see what we will look like when we are old, but “seeing” is sacrificed in favor of “knowing”, and knowing is too ambitious, so, even understanding someone human and allowing for mistakes lets us go forward with no lingering questions.  But, understanding itself is just propped up by our capitulation to the unknowable.

Let’s find some mathematicians and then make them talk to us from where they are when they are above the operating table looking down at their body.  Let’s arrange the answers on a Ouija board which admit to a single question, and ask it.  You know why?  Because there are events of some portent in the world from time to time, that’s why.  Not who, but did anyone interfere.  Did they shoot in this direction?

You’re shooting at me and mine.  You’ve got Monty Python and the Holy Grail, This Is Spinal Tap, but you don’t have the world that those things bounced off of.  May I suggest Scarface?  “Either one”?

1327

Za Stalina!  For the fatherland!

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