Such in Pepper

What was important?  Well, yesterday I must have been writing with my head up my ass.  I put “reasons” down, thus:


I have a natural dividing line now, before I got sick and afterwords.  Cancer is permanently and gravely ill.  “Yeah, I could drop dead”, I think sometimes.  There is no getting worn out and coming back stronger, as a body normally will do.  There is me blissfully writing for the first year, and then an ability to reference this writing from now on, where I do not have to guess at my mental state while writing.  It was the mental state of a person with a healthy body, so, it was healthy.  There exists an alternative outcome over the past six  months in which in the year 2010 it is not my last year and I still have no idea of what it is to be terminal.  That one would have some paradox to it, e.g. “if I am fine, what do I do when my unemployement insurance expires, and what am I going to feel if I have to watch my child suffer from want, and how bitter am I going to be to experience the denial of help from relatives who are claiming to only have enough for themselves?”


What that says is, i. Since I got sick my life has changed dramatically; the prognosis is death, ii. This cancer is like a mortal wound and is a constant reminder that I am dying.  Besides, my doctors left no doubt of that when they spoke to me, and their opinion is expert, iii. I feel lightheaded and weak.  My metabolism is altered.  I feel close to death, iv. I started this blog and that was late in the chain of events whereby I obtained my expertise in meth manufacture, but, I still managed to write posts for a solid year before I got sick, and, all these posts were written while I was sober (even posts like this, where I live in a time in which I do take drugs, I do my writing before taking Oxycodone and marijuana that day), you know, just in case there is something that comes through literally in who you are, and, since I was a confirmed non-user, that should have left these posts more accurate and unaffected, v. had my personal life not been tragically affected by cancer, 2010 would not be flagged as a special year for me; the record would extend to incorporate philosophy from other years—

here (poisoning)

of mine, while now, new philosophers can contribute instead of me, and, what was it?  Well, I hate crime, that is true, but, I don’t decry the crimes of today’s criminals.  Rather, I hate corruption, hubris, and jingoism, whereby poor people serve as tokens to represent evil, when the mainstream society is the thing worth blaming for the situation, and, that situation is dire, because of it being a technologist telling you this.  As long as the wealthy owners of this country (USA) continue to live and breathe, there will be no significant change which would result in a lessening of crime; that crime is a business.  That is, if the system thrives while all the time using crime statistics as its reason for being, then in a nutshell it is a criminal system.  BTW, the ability to destroy a corrupt system depends on denying its legitimacy, that it doesn’t stand any longer for the will of the people.  The other thing, so you can understand where that fits, is credibility.  Polls show how large is the base of support for the current regime, and how likely it is that some statement by the regime will be believed by the majority.

Aside: I can do without minor victories, or the viscious attacks of one side against the other.  If you are not powerless, you can focus on what will make the drug war go away, and this is what I believe: that the drug war should all go away.  Obviously, it is no longer possible to support the idea, once someone is terminally ill, that it means the more important point whether he or she is a drug addict or not.  Cancer has opened my eyes as to what disease is, and it was always a deeply flawed and fraudulent method to claim that alcoholism qualifies us as truly diseased.  It doesn’t.  You are going to die from blunt-force trauma because  we are sick and tired of drunks and want to kill them.  They’re not going to gum up the entire health care industry with their hypochondriac machinations.  They have caused the healthcare and the prisons industry to become united into a complex, like the military-industrial complex.  Well, so, what little lies are propping up this inefficient machine we can no longer afford?  well, more accurately, what lies and secrets, that that other thing operates here.  People are sitting, unassailable, with impunity, with immunity just because they don’t lie, when they have refused to reveal the information that shows up their lack of legitimacy.  Only methamphetamine manufacturing was occupying this position in my past, not bombmaking or poisoning.  I could not figure out how a whole undergraduate program would still leave out the training to make meth when meth making was the only technology in existence which was being carried out using chemistry.  There wasn’t any opportunity to use the teachings of colleges and universities on chemistry in the real world.  This is best illustrated by pointing out that a career teaching new students, as an employee who feeds the product units back into the system reflects no net gain to society.  It just keeps itself going, that is its source of its so-called legitimacy.

Such in Pepper is just Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

I got sidetracked, but I was just about where I was in that paragraph where I started to fabricate and was no longer telling the truth.  What happened was that I started to feel that what you needed as a reader was to think what I wanted you to think, and I think it was about cancer.  I bit into something where the wisdom said cancer is bad and what a tragedy to lose your life before you really get a chance to live it and see your children grow up.  It’s a load of crap.  Mainly, the life of a person with cancer is good, as is any life of idleness.  It is hard to imagine an obese person continuing to live in old age and staying obese.  The cancer causes a rapid and severe weight loss, relieving pressure on the heart and muscles to carry the vast extra weight, in my case a gift of the loss of fifty pounds.  The obesity is the living hell you can escape.  Second, the status as a real victim allows you to go to the front of the line for social services.  The society does not wish to simply deny medical help directed against processes which are killing someone.  It does not see itself that way yet.  Third, social and legal sanctions used by government to force compliance among the population to any and all laws no matter how silly (usually that stealing a slice of pizza should be punished with a 25-to-life jolt) carry less of a threat, and, I don’t exactly know how that works, but, I feel now an urgency to get from alive to dead with the least amount of excuciating pain, and I am able to demand and receive help any time I want it.  I can mention to my doctor whenever I see him that I need an extra level of pain relief and I already know he has nowhere to go but up, the fentanyl patch or morphine.  I can say to the DEA in effect,

“Bitch, I don’t guess you like people slinging morphine, but I am going to obtain some morphine hereabouts and you can just step off.  Check your own rules,”  where, to most people getting ahold of a load of morhine is a deadly treacherous prospect.  Now, I take that attitude and I go further in which I need to die.  You don’t live this way, with a huge lump like Quasimodo.  Go sell that cancer survivor shit down the road.  I fell in a bad way, hitting every insult spelling mortality.  In the behavior of how you fuck with me, me being dead is up to whether you want to ride that beef since it’s 187.  The only death threat against me is historical.  You fucked up saving me from it, I might add.  Since I am asking people how I can get them to legally kill me when the time comes, and they are resistant, they are on the low ground.  Any active danger society might present me is in fact cruel and unusual punishment.  All of us go through this.  Your contract with society becomes warped.  You can’t just accept intractable pain, the onus is on others to do something about it, and some brave doctors need to go to jail until the laws are changed; we know that.  I wish I could get out of the monthly billing cycle and the constant threats of ending my health insurance.  Do you think I have any stake in this system?  Let me die in peace!  What I am doing as the symptoms progress is to go stand in long lines or sit on hold on long phone calls to restore my place as it seems someone about every week pulls my sheet and throws my file away.  Oh, you don’t take responsiblty for me?  I can see that I need a false tooth with a load of cyanide in it, plus a nice pair of revolvers that take the same big, fat ammunition.

No, and they were.  They were off on poisoning in a couple of places.  One was an entire cover story in the Reader, a free magazine here in San Diego, California.  It is out now, and it has a murder in it, so, it gains in sensationalism.  It is weaving this meth culture which has taken over in America, but that is related to the effects of a certain substance; they’re known and are similar everywhere.  The murder has speculation of a poisoning to it.  That does not prove there was any poisoning, but poisoning, I do not even know what method of poisoning is most commonly used among the homeless.

Of course, poisoning was a lot more common and effective when it generally a secret, and another book I have, I got it from a website and ordered it on reserve in my library, covers the period in American history known as Reconstruction.  With a name like that, you just know it was a time of wanton slaughter and of destruction of property in wide swaths.  Just in passing, I believe (I think it is this book: The Devil’s Own Work), that we encounter the true death toll inclusive of the assassination of Abraham Lincoln; that the Republicans were tired of winning the presidency and having their man keel over in office.  That was poisoning, a lot of times on the Fourth of July. 

Yeah, it’s the other book I found at the same time, about the Reconstruction, where the original book I went to pick up is about the New York draft riots.  I wanted to get this to elucidate how a draft leads to great protest, of what we are in fact within right now here in this country.  In this example, a $300 bounty causes Irishmen to say that they are not going to die to save niggers, and it is in concordance that Lincoln is freeing slaves and so is the target of nigger-haters.  Somebody killed him, and not much is said about that, so, we can assume that to hate niggers is the norm in this country.  he didn’t just free the slaves and everyone is now happy since we are so egalitarian and praiseworthy.  The point of view that niggers should run free is a hot-button issue, and its detractors answered immediately by killing the president.  In this book, A Dangerous Stir, chapter’s ‘Horrors on Horrors Accumulate’, pg 117, we are going into how the legitimacy of rule was seriously damaged.  Because, yes, I am going to have a problem with being drafted and dying just because I do not have $300 to pay my way out.  The Civil War is the ultimate upheaval for us since it happens on our soil and we lose good white men with every casualty on both sides, and becuase it exceeds the death toll for every other war combined.  That’s a carefully crafted thing; Russia paid a higher price in WWII; you just never know on the unthinkable when the grief reaches proportions sufficient to cause an all-out nuclear exchange, which is what we have flagged here and now as all she wrote.  Those other things already happened.  But, it was more serious than one asassination the paragon per century.  They mark Lincoln, but he was actually as high as number four running.  People cared greatly, and they called niggers niggers so as not to forget what that represented, like with God: they cared greatly.  I say that because of watching a show about the Crusades.  I like my dates in the 1100s.  I think to explain the release of thermonuclear weapons as not losing that much since life in these times is a penultimate insult, and you have to get plenty tired of being marketed to, awakened by alarm clocks and other folks’ dogs and car alarms before you accept the day of its arrival when it has a nuke as the quintessential feature.  And, we are getting there.  When we drop the big one, when the button is pushed, there is no running away, but there is no great rush to escape either.  I hate my enemies much, much worse than I like my friends.  My friends, ha!  What friends?  People are no damned good.

Your Crusades, of course not even religious, just a land-grab, mean that today’s wars of occupation are doomed to never mean to ‘we the people (who are Muslim and live here)’, anything but straight war, aggression and unalloyed genocide.  Oh, but we’re not right, we’re wrong.  We’ve just been bought off is all.  we have a slicker, non-draft attack to undergo.

Let’s keep our mouths shut and suck some dick, too.

It’s high time.  I am going to be needing me.

Come here.  What else was corrupt?  I don’t know.  I may have pissed off the wrong roommate.  I am tired of giving out my Vikodin and I said so.  I feel it’s a felony down at the DEA.


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